I'm Going To Israel!!!

I am so excited.  My family will be joining our synagogue on a JUF Mission at the end of the year.  I had never wanted to go to Israel - I didn't know much about the county, its history and struggle for independence or the biblical history surrounding the land.  Now, of course, it's a different story!  With everything I have been learning this past year I can hardly wait to set foot on Israeli soil.

When we first decided to go, my kids told me how much I would love it there.  They both went with their eight grade classes and know that I will love the country, the people, the food and the excitement.  They also know how much I will appreciate the culture, the historical sites and the religious experiences at this point of my life.  This is an opportunity that I feel so honored and privileged to be able to partake.

There is so for me to learn!  Biblical history, early Israeli history and the previous ruling nations, and the political history leading to the establishment of Israel as a Jewish State; as well as the political structure, the political temperament and the political battles both internally and externally with the Palestinians and surrounding Middle East.  My knowledge in all these areas is lacking and I am scrambling to learn as much as I can before we go. 

I would have liked to have read the other books of the Tanakh before going, but given the amount of time it would take to internalize all the necessary history, I am instead reading my son's eight grade Jewish History Books.  I had taken a class years ago on Jewish History as part of the Melton Adult Education Program.  There was so much to comprehend in such little time, without my having any previous background, that it was impossible for me to acquire very much of the facts.  Using the books from that class as a resource while studying the 8th grade books seems to be working well for me and at just the right level for me.  I will also finish reading the 1968 Israel 20thYear Anniversary United International Press issue that I started reading a few months ago.  I am also starting to read any current events in the papers, the editorials from Israeli Newspapers and the IDF Facebook page and website.  I have spent many hours already studying maps and reading tour guides.  It is very overwhelming for someone with such little knowledge, but I am trying to absorb as much as I can! 

I know a major goal will be for me to not only gain knowledge about the land and the history represented there but to gain a respect for Israel and an understanding of present day issues and challenges.  Politics never held my interest until the last several years so I am looking forward to understanding the political issues in Israel.  But I also hope to gain at least a little of what many people go to Israel for:  religion and piety.  Most of my adult life has been about logistics, academics, and about concrete ideas in general.   I  hope that I will be able to go beyond the academics and history during my time in Israel and be able to also have a more visceral experience and leave with a newly found soulfulness and spirituality within myself and for myself.

Before arriving in Israel, we will be spending a few days in Poland, both in Krakow and Warsaw.  We are staying in the old Jewish Quarter in Krakow, visiting Auschwitz, spending Shabbat morning in the synagogue in Warsaw with the Chief Rabbi of Poland and taking in as much Judaic history as possible.   As a family we will be seeing the movie, "The Book Thief" and going to an exhibit on Nazi propaganda that is here in Chicago before we leave.  I am trying to maximize the Jewish cultural, historical and religious experiences in any way that I can. 

While I may have limited access to a computer and Wi-Fi during the trip, I will certainly be taking notes for this blog on my impressions, my excitement, my discoveries and my emotions during this trip of a lifetime.   I hope you will share my thoughts with me in the upcoming weeks' posts but share my excitement for this trip right now!

Shabbat Shalom - The Two Words I Couldn't Say Until Recently

Shabbat Shalom. 

Its a beautiful greeting, universally understood, and one that brings the warmest wishes you could possibly present to someone prior to or during Shabbat.  So why, up until a few months ago, could I not bring myself to say those words?

When someone wished me "Shabbat Shalom" I used to say, "to you as well" or worse yet, "have a nice weekend."  I realized that clearly, I was avoiding saying what should have been nothing more than a welcoming, loving gesture to those around me that shared one of the aspects of my life that I valued most of all -  Judaism.

So why was it so stressful for me to hear those words, let alone say them myself? 

Being Jewish has always been something I have valued dearly - despite the fact that I did not have a religious or educational upbringing in Judaism.  I have always had a strong sense of being Jewish, even though I didn't have a clear understanding of what that meant.  I understood and celebrated all the major annual holidays but Shabbat, was a concept that was foreign to me.  We never had Shabbat dinner, I had only witnessed lighting Shabbat candles a few times (and felt uncomfortable every time) and I often worked on Saturday growing up.  Saturday was no different to me than Sunday.

I had never been in an environment where and when it would have been appropriate to say "Shabbat Shalom" until recently.

As I began to take the steps that I decided were necessary to understand and learn about my own religion, I suddenly found myself around people that wished me Shabbat Shalom.  I attend a wonderful class on Fridays with my Rabbi that explores the week's Parasha and often relates it to current political and social events of our time and saying "Shabbat Shalom" became something that I heard over and over but was never able to respond comfortably.  Even while attending Shabbat Services, I found it difficult.  I know why, of course.  It was because I had never celebrated Shabbat, had never gone to services and never understood all of what Shabbat entails.  I never understood how (and why) people pick and choose how they celebrate Shabbat and how they are able to celebrate it one week and not others.  Even as I continue to learn about Shabbat, I have a hard time accepting that some, if not many of the Jewish people I know that have Shabbat dinner, do not honor Shabbat in any other way.  I find that very troubling. 

While I have been going to services on Saturday mornings on a fairly regular basis, I still do not feel as if I am celebrating Shabbat.  I am not sure how to reconcile the fact that we don't light candles Friday night with my going to services.  This year was the first time that I read about Shabbat in the Torah.  That was a wonderful first step in the educational portion of my journey, but I still do not have the emotional connection that I think would be important. 

But I am now comfortable saying Shabbat Shalom.  I can't quite get myself to turn to strangers after services to say it, but I am trying.  I know how important it is to so many people, certainly those that are in services and I respect (any envy) their commitment to Shabbat.  That alone makes it a little easier to say those two simple words.

I know that I am still  exploring and learning and I hope that someday I can come to find a meaningful way of observing Shabbat that I feel comfortable with and finding a place in my life for Shabbat.  But for right now, at least I have gotten over my insecurity and unease and I am able to express my wishes to others.

Shabbat Shalom.

Reading the Torah - I Now Know What its All About!

Simcha Torah has come and gone and I haven't had a chance to reflect on its significance at a personal level.  I have been attending a "Parasha of the Week" class and I had planned marking Simcha Torah with a mini celebration of my own with my class; but with the personal events of my  life leading up to that week and being out of town the following week, it just didn't happen.  But deep within me, I felt satisfaction and accomplishment and that was celebration enough!

This year's Simcha Torah represented my reading the Torah for the first time.  While I may not have  read each parasha completely or with the entire commentary, I read enough that I could at least follow along with the text and the storylines.  I know that I eventually need to read the Torah on a deeper level and certainly, the discussions in our study group do that; but my goal for the first reading was really to  have an understanding of the biblical stories.  I can't tell you have happy I was once I first found out who Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah all were!  I know it may sound silly to you, but I didn't know the lineage of our Matriarchs and Patriarchs prior to last fall.  My knowledge of the Exodus was limited to "The Ten Commandments" and I had no idea who Noah, Joseph and Joshua were other than basic popular stories that I may have randomly heard.

This was a year for learning and consideration.  Certainly, Genesis was fascinating to read fully for the first time but difficult to accept and reconcile with my scientific background.  It wasn't until later, when I attended a separate class on the origins of Genesis, did I learn that even religious people don't necessarily believe in the early events recorded in Genesis as it is written in the Torah.  While I was frustrated while reading much of the religious instruction in Leviticus and parts of Deuteronomy, I found the storylines within Numbers and Deuteronomy absolutely fascinating.  Toward the end, I kept thinking what a fascinating book it was.  As the drama continued to unfold,  I couldn't wait to go on to the next Parasha.  The end of the Torah was the ultimate culmination beyond imagination.  I think Moses' Poem in Haazinu was one of the most beautiful passages I have ever read.

I attended services for Simcha Torah and shared the excitement with the congregation.  I loved how all generations were together to celebrate.  I had only attended once before when the kids were very young.  Despite the joy I felt, I also felt regret.  I was sorry that I hadn't attended more than once  with my kids while they were growing up. We often used those days off of school to go away or visit family.   Even though my kids went to a Jewish Day School, I realized that day that they do not have the appreciation for the Torah that I am now seeking.  While I thought I was giving them something that I did not have growing up, I realized on that day that I missed the opportunity to do more.  Because I didn't understand the Torah enough to have respect for it, I didn't know to instill that respect in my children.   I may be using the wrong word.  I know both my children respect the Torah and they know many of the teachings, stories and lessons it has provided.  Their education did provide them with the understanding of the Torah that I am just learning.  They certainly had significant exposure to the Torah throughout their ten years of Jewish Day School.  I think what I sensed that day does not have to do with their education but from the lack of instilling the ways of the Torah within our home life.  I didn't know enough about the Torah to bring religion into our home.

I am looking forward to reading the Torah in its entirety for the second time.  This time around because I already know the basic story lines, I will read it with more attention, reflection and consideration.  While I don't always agree with the hypotheses and interpretations that are discussed in our class, I look forward to looking deeper into the text to reveal the meanings I have previously overlooked.  As I am beginning to understand and appreciate our religion more, I think this last statement is what our religion and reading the Torah is all about!

Saying Goodbye to My Mom - One Last Thought

While this last post about my mom isn't religious or even reflective on Judaism, these last few posting have been so helpful to me that I needed to solidify one last thought and there was no place else for me to do that.

While she was ill and out of it, my mom called out several times for my grandfather saying "daddy, daddy, daddy".  I had asked her about it during the times when she was better and she knew she was calling for him but didn't know why.  I had thought maybe he was the one who comforted her when she was sick as a girl but she said that wasn't the case.

One particular day in the hospital when she was miserable she didn't ask for her father but instead for my father.  She kept saying, "I want my husband" over and over.  My father had a lengthy illness and my mother had cared for him for almost ten years consuming most of her life during her 40's.  He has been gone for over twenty years and I have never heard her express missing him.  I was so heartbroken hearing her call for him that day.  I don't remember much about their marriage prior to his illness but I know from stories that they were very much in love in their early years.  I kept wondering if she was calling for him because she missed him, missed the way he used to be, or if she knew she was dying and she was ready to be with him.

Anyway, years ago my mom had given me a black and white photo of the two of them from their engagement and I have had it in my bathroom where I have a collection of my favorite, personal black and white photos.  Each morning, I now look at the photo of my smiling parents - so happy and so in love - and although it still makes me so sad to be reminded that my mother is gone, I find such comfort seeing them together and hoping that they truly are together once again.

 

The Mourning Rituals and My Renewed Learning

My father passed away the week I was graduating from medial school and I didn't know much about mourning traditions in the Jewish religion other than sitting Shiva which we had always done for everyone else.  While I have known to stand and recite the Mourners' Kaddish during the yahrzeit of "my people" and have always done so;  I never knew what a  mourner was really supposed to do, or understand why. 

I have always understood why Shiva takes place and the reasoning behind the more traditional rituals of mourning such as washing one's hands upon return from the cemetery, sitting low, not rising to greet others, the covering of the mirrors and of abstaining from joyous activities for a period of time.  But as I have looked more closely at the rituals these past several weeks, some questions do arise.  Certainly, it makes sense to me that one would not engage in dancing or music during the period of Shloshim, but should looking at art also be avoided?  While listening to music may represent entertainment to those that appreciate music, is it not the same as someone who appreciates art or even nature?  Or what about enjoying a meal out?  It seems that any activity that brings pleasure should be avoided during that time.  And what about the period of Shanah?  Would it really be honoring my mother and grandmother if I didn't attend the upcoming B'nai Mitzvah of my niece and nephew?  Of course, I wouldn't be Jewish if I didn't ask questions as I learn about our ancient rituals!

In learning about mourning traditions, I began to understand that the time prior to the burial is all about the deceased and that the time following the burial is all about the mourners.  How beautiful.  Even after four previous deaths of immediate family members, I had never known about the Shomir.  What a wonderful tradition and how unbelievably powerful the thought of someone watching over the body and protecting the soul until burial.  I was so taken with the beauty of that thought and the respect for life that this represents that I started investigating serving on the burial society for my synagogue.  What better honor can be bestowed upon a person - to sanctify the life of any one individual.

In speaking with my Rabbi, I began to learn more about these rituals and about saying Kaddish.  I have known that saying Kaddish is a way to honor the individual and had previously learned that it ascends the soul.  I don't know if I really believe that, but again, what a beautiful thought and as there is not much more I can now do for my mother, I would try to do this.  I knew that daily Kaddish is not something that I could ever do and that my mother would not want that, but I set a goal of reciting Kaddish once a week.  

What did surprise me while learning about Kaddish, however, is that there is no mention of the departed or loss of life or even in elevating the spirit/soul in the translation but instead praising G-d for creating life of this world in general and life of individuals.  It seems to acclaim the gift of life and all the days of life that each of us is given.  Again, beautiful - to honor the precious days that our loved ones had on this earth and the true blessing that the privilege of being given life brings with it.

I was able to say Kaddish several times in the first few weeks after the funerals.  I am not an early morning person, so morning minyan is not an option for me, even if it does represent the last thing I could do for my mother.   With the remaining holidays immediately after their funerals; I had opportunities to attend services on several evenings as well as Yizkor on two occasions.

I was happy to have started the process, but I now feel somewhat removed as time has gone on.  I have been out of town and haven't been able to attend services the past two weeks.  I have been frustrated as I hadn't been able to read the transliteration well enough to feel as if I am really saying it properly, but I am working on it.  While I am comfortable participating in services now, not being able to properly recite the prayer has been daunting.  I know practice will help, but I am hoping maybe U-Tube can help as well.

As the final day of Shloshim has come and gone and I am learning how to live my life without my mother; I hope to renew my commitment, overcome my insecurities and continue to work on meeting my goal.

A Gift From G-d: Shiva How it's Supposted to Be

A dear friend of mine told me that I had received a gift from G-d after I described the last night of Shiva for my mother and grandmother.

I had decided that I wanted to be surrounded by my Chicago girl friends. We had sat at my brother's house in Detroit for several nights but it felt somewhat impersonal as I didn't know many of the people who came to pay their respects.  While I understand people feel the need to express their own grief and support to those that they know who may have suffered a loss; I was never comfortable with the idea of having a social gathering of people that are not necessarily close friends during a Shiva.    Many of my friends expressed the desire to help me in some way and I felt that I needed to have them share in my loss.  I also felt that my mother's death wouldn't feel "real" if I didn't bring it back to Chicago so I decided to sit in Chicago as well.  On the first night back in Chicago, we had a small traditional Shiva with many of our family friends, but I knew I had to do something different on the last night because my husband had to work that evening.  I spent a lot of time considering if I should sit without him, which didn't seem right; but I didn't want to short change my respect to my mother and grandmother. 

As I thought about my options, I came to a decision that made me feel so happy and satisfied once I had made it a few days after their funerals.  My mother had the most amazing group of friends and I have always admired her friendships. I could not think of a better way to honor her than to be surrounded by my own girl friends in Chicago.

A few close friends helped make the arrangements.  I had wanted everyone to join me for dinner outside in my garden and have an intimate evening including the service.  Everyone brought vegetarian dishes and set up my home with food, wine and candles in my yard.

We had a beautiful service outside on my deck surrounded by the candles and my garden.  Our Rabbi gave me the opportunity to speak about both my mom and my grandmother. He asked me to reflect on how my mother would want to be honored and all I could think about was that this was the perfect way for me to honor her. Our Ritual Director is a woman and having her there with her beautiful voice completed the evening.   I was so touched to see how all my friends were equally moved as I was from this wonderful evening.

It was such a meaningful evening - to be surrounded by my girl friends, all daughters and/or mothers themselves - and it made the entire Shiva such a positive experience for me and I know will help me transition through life without the women that were so important to me.

Your Spirit or Soul - Where and When Does it Go?

On my drive back from Detroit to Chicago, I stopped at the beach.  I knew the beach would be empty and I needed the solitude to relax, think, let go emotionally,  and reflect on the losses I had endured that week.  I thought about my "theory" that my grandmother (who preceded my mother in death by three days) foresaw my mother's future health predicaments and decided that she wasn't going to let that happen and intervened on her behalf.

That thought led to my wondering what the Jewish thought was on how, where and when the soul returns to G-d.  More than anything, I wished that I could know if the two of them were really together; if they were still physically close somehow to those that had loved them, if they found each other and if they were comforting each other.  My grandmother did not have the opportunity to say goodbye to my mother that I know she had needed and my mother didn't even know of her mother's death before her own.  This was going to be a discussion point that I planned on having with my Rabbi later in the week.

All of a sudden, while I was deep in thought wondering if they were close by, two seagulls flew by just in front of  me from right to left over the water.  These two beautiful seagulls were alone in the sky and flying exactly parallel to each other not more than twenty feet in front of me.  It was such a beautiful and comforting vision that it literally took my breath away.  Before I knew it, they separated and each flew in opposite directions.  While I stared ahead toward the lake in disbelief and wonderment, one of the seagulls landed in the water directly in front of me.  It wasn't facing me, instead it was facing directly away from me, but landed exactly in front of me.  It rested for a moment or two and then flew off.  I was so moved by both the beauty and timing of the actions of these two birds and it reminded me instantly that I have always thought that I would love to be a bird in flight.  Their passage in my presence at that exact moment brought the cycle of life full circle for me and left me filled with love, appreciation and a sense of satisfaction despite my longing for the knowledge we will never know.  While, of course, my questions about departed souls can never be answered; this beautiful sight brought me the reassurance I needed to continue on to Chicago and to continue on with my life.

Body and Soul - Witnessing the Distinction First Hand

It has been a difficult few weeks.  Both my mother and grandmother passed away last week.  While I didn't necessarily intend to write about them here; I felt compelled to share the experience I had in witnessing my mother's passing on.  First, I must say, I never liked the expression "passing on" or even "passed" but instead used the expression "passed away."  However, after sharing someone's last breaths with them, I truly think "passed on" is the appropriate expression.

My brother and I were given a gift last week.  We were able to be with my mother for her final moments of life and able to hold her hands and to tell her we loved her as she drifted from a semiconscious  state of life to one without breath, brain or cardiac function.  I supposed I mean death; but the distinction between life and death was so blurred during those final moments that I sensed it was not as black and white as I had previously believed.

While waiting for the nurse to return, I kept watch over my mom, as I had for the previous three weeks during her hospitalization.  Slowly, and ever so gradually, the life began to fade from her face.  I have seen my share of deceased loved ones and even cadavers in medical school; but beholding life leave my mother, moment by moment, had a striking effect on me that I did not expect. 

As the moments progressed, the consequences of lack of circulation were evident and at first, that was what I had sensed; but as time went on I felt that there was more to what was occurring.  It seemed that something was released from her  and that she was being liberated from the body that had previously housed her.  Her essence was no longer within the physical structure that once represented who she was.  I truly felt that her soul was being released and that her body was simply that - a body - an empty shell. 

While I am incredibly sad about the losses I suffered these past two weeks, I seemed to have found strength in what I witnessed.   I did not have a need to spend more than a few very brief moments with them prior to their funerals.  At the time, I thought it was odd that I didn't seem to need to say goodbye to these women who meant so much to me; but I now realize that I must have sensed the distinction between their bodies and souls. 

Prayer - Does it Really Work?

I know that the wording of this question sounds a little strange - but as I thought of alternative wording, I decided that this exact question is truly the essence of what I wonder.

 

Of course, over the years I have often "wished" privately, even making "deals" with G-d to ensure my hopes were answered; but I don't know that I have really prayed as other do.  After experiencing so much tragedy within my family, I have come to the conclusion that G-d doesn't really watch out for individuals so I haven't held much value in the idea of private prayer.  I know I learned somewhere along the way that community prayer is the essence of Judaism, but I am unsure how that is different when it comes to praying for individuals.

 

Recently, I asked my synagogue to have my mother's name to be put on the list for the prayer for healing because she has been ill.  I have to admit, I felt very uncomfortable with the idea, but thought that it couldn't hurt...just in case...

 

Over the past several weeks as my friends and colleagues have learned that my mother was ill, I have been astounded that so many people, people of all religions,  told me that they would include her in their prayers.  I never realized how many people truly believe in the power of prayer.

 

Recently, my mother had improved in some ways and my grandmother, who has never been religious, said to me, "I guess my prayers worked".   

 

Who knows,  maybe prayer does work.  A lot of people certainly think so!

The Messianic Period: Something I Was Not Yet Prepared to Consider

Today I attended the last class in a series on the Haggadah.  This educational series was one of what I hope to be several more learning opportunities that were started by our synagogue in honor of our Rabbi's 30th Anniversary.  The classes included the history of the Haggadah and its components and because Passover was the one holiday that I previously had a solid understanding of both the history and the traditions surrounding the holiday; I was able to reach a higher level of understanding of the traditions, the meaning and the aspects of the Haggadah and of Passover.  That was until today.

Today we discussed Elijah and his role as a forerunner for the Messiah.   I knew that much of the discussion would be over my head.  I still need to learn about the prophets and about the historical events of their times.  At some point, I hope to better understand who Elijah was and his role, both past and future, in the history of the Jewish people.  Today's class was a great place to start on that part of my education and I was eager to hear and absorb as much as I could.  However, I was not prepared to have my thoughts (and questions) expand to the Messianic Period.

I have a basic understanding of what the Messiah will bring and that Jewish people believe that the Messiah is still to come.  I know some religions believe the Messiah has already been here and that other religions believe that the Messiah has yet to come.  But beyond those basic generalities, I really know nothing about what different people feel the Messianic Period will bring.  To be honest, I really wasn't sure that people really believe it will ever actually occur.   I had assumed the Jewish religion teaches belief in the Messiah to encourage us to live respectable, honorable lives.  Up until this point in my life, religious beliefs were very abstract and without historical knowledge I have been unable to put them in perspective.  I guess that is really what I am trying to accomplish with this journey I am on. 

While we briefly talked about the opinions on what the Messianic Period would be like and different opinions on what it will take for it to occur;  I began to realize that for every movement, faction or sector of our religion alone, there must be multiple views on topics such as the Messianic Period.  It would be so interesting to me to learn the differences in thoughts by the various Jewish groups in the different Judiac movements.   I have come to realize that my assumptions on the "Jewish view" is meaningless.  Although most Jewish religious beliefs are universally held, I imagine there are multiple views on each of these issues and, I think, that's what makes Judaism so special.  

As I continue to attend classes, I see how different religious individuals have different opinions even on the lessons of the Torah.  I had always thought that religious people accepted and believed personally without questioning but I am learning that is not the case.   I imagine that even among Rabbis within a movement, there must be personal difference in what they believe.  I realized today that as I continue in my learning, I need to recognize which aspects of our religion are believed without question, which are believed based on known history and which may be controversial.   I see now that  without knowledge, my beliefs (or doubts) were without merit.  Coming from a background in medicine and science, it as always been difficult for me to accept things that are simply assumed; but I see the more I learn about our historical past, the more I will understand and hopefully accept the Jewish religious beliefs. 

I left the class today overwhelmed with the feeling that there are so many levels of understanding that I need to conquer.  I left questioning what I had previously thought about the Messiah and the Messianic Period.   I see now that my own personal beliefs will have to wait until I become more educated.  I understand that I need to let go of any assumptions I may have previously had and learn "big picture" before deciding what I believe on specific topics.   I need to eventually find the balance in what I am learning and what beliefs are commonly held.  As I progress with my education,  I will continue to explore accepted Jewish beliefs, historical backgrounds and even the personal beliefs of the religious people that I have met and respect.  I think I will start with asking my Rabbi his thoughts on the Messianic Period and if he personally believes it will ever occur.

Israel is Turning 65 - A Reflection of History as Viewed From 1968 and My Own Historical (Limited) Knowledge

In addition to understanding my religion, I would like to eventually learn Hebrew but I need to learn about Israel.  Certainly, growing up in a Jewish Detroit suburb, I knew of Israel, but I knew very little about Israel.  We celebrated Israel's Independency Day in BBYO; but I never really knew the history of what lead to that day, or the more recent history of Israel for that matter.  All I really remember during my youth is hearing "no land for peace."

So today I started my study of Israel.  I am starting with the history.  Years ago, in the Melton Adult Education Course, I did have a history class but the pace was too fast for me as I had such little knowledge of both biblical events and of history in general.  As a math and science kid, history was never interesting to me.

Recently, I found a 20th Israel Anniversary publication by the United Press International while cleaning out my mother's basement.  I thought, in honor of Israel's 65th Anniversary, I would start with that magazine.  There was a good review of the events prior to 1948 and I was able to get a good sense of the time line and events from 2000 BCE on.  So often, I hear of the successes of the Jewish leaders, both accomplishments and defeats of my ancestors, and the historical events of Israel; but I have never been able to relate them to a span of time.  Putting the events, key players and subsequent changes in Israel on a time line helped me put it all together. 

The articles I have read so far discussed the first twenty years of Israel's history and were written from the perspective of the time of publication - 1968.  It was interesting to read opinions contrasting the dynamic and determined Jews of "present day" Israel and their vs. the ghetto Jews of the past.   I came to understand the reasons and drive for both the diaspora and return or immigration of Jews to Israel.   It was fascinating to learn that there were 80,000 Jews in Israel in 1914, 650,000 in 1948 and 2.5 million Jews in Israel in 1968.  I believe the current Jewish population in Israel is close to 6 million.  I gained a better understanding of Zionism and the role that the world Jewry has played over those early years which has lead me to understand the importance and drive of organizations such as the JUF and the Jewish Federation. 

I had mixed feelings when reading about the conflicts that the Jewish people have had with the Arab nations throughout time.  Up until now, my impression of the Arab-Israeli conflict has been based on a vague sense that the Arabs, for whatever their own religious reasons, felt that Palestine belonged to them just as Jews feel that Israel belonged to them.  My impressions were never based on history or facts.   I was surprised to learn that the Palestine Arabs first accepted Jewish immigration, dismayed  to learn there were 750,000 displaced Arabs as a result of the Independence War and 1.5 million refugees in 1968; and shocked to see the word "terrorism" surface in the 1950's. 

I had not previously know about the wars prior to the Six Day War.  I did not know that the Arab nations attacked Israel on the early morning hours after the State of Israel was declared.  I  learned the role the British, the Soviet Union and the US had in the months leading up to and following the Six Day war.   While these historical events may be taken for granted by many Jewish people, I have developed an appreciation of Israel and all she had been through to arrive at that time in history.  But what really impressed me was the determination and drive that must have lead to the success of  the Six Day War.  Israel took on multiple nations and in the end their death toll was less than 2% of the total death toll.  The strength and will of the Jewish people was something that could not be denied. 

Its interesting to reflect on the comments made in this publication from 1968.  "Today, as Israel looks to the future it still faces enormous problems.  Foremost is the need to develop a functioning economy no longer deeply dependent on foreign aid and the gifts of world Jewry....'Our political and economic problems would seem vastly different, ' says Prime Minister Levi Eshkol,  'if we were 4 million Jews in Israel instead of 2.5 million.'"  I don't know enough about present day Israel to comment on this but I think it would be a fascinating starting point to learn about and discuss Israel from 1968 to present.

Land is important of course, but obviously peace has been a more important goal.   The comments made regarding the Six Day War were that Israel had won the war but had not won peace.  The talks at the time declared that the lands concurred in 1967 would not be released without peace.  In 1968,  Prime Minister Eshkol was quoted as saying, "Ah my friends, if we have peace, there is so much we can do.  There is land, there is water.  We will settle the refugee problem.  We have come back to stay.  This is our Middle East as much as theirs.  Israel wants peace and needs peace:  I am convinced the Arabs do too.  We have seem what can be done in Israel with the necessary will.  If there is peace, the whole Middle East will flourish."  Once again, what a great starting point for a discussion in the present day.

The Second Bar Mitzvah - The Second Goal

I had sixteen months between the kids' B'nai Mitzvahs.  Life got a little more complicated all around - for my 8th grade daughter we were in the midst of applying to and accepting a Chicago high school, my mother had a stroke that kept me going back and forth to Detroit, and my professional world had all kinds of political feats to conquer during that time which I was intricately  involved in - but I knew that I had to make my son's day as special as my daughter's and I worked hard those months to make that happen.

I also knew that I had to go the next level for myself.  I needed to take the steps to meet the second goal that I set for myself - understanding Shabbat Services.

A few years ago I took the beginning class of Hebrew  - learning the Alpha Bet.  It was fine, difficult to memorize all the symbols at first, but not a problem.  The second class, however, was a different story.  Everyone in the class was familiar with words and phonetics because they were used to hearing them in services year after year or even week after week for some.  I was not.  The words, expressions and phrases were foreign to me.  Because I had not attended services, I could not continue with learning Hebrew.

I could no longer count on having a specific reason or excuse to attend services.  I knew I could no longer depend on finding someone to go with and I had to force myself to go alone.  The first time I attended services by myself was very difficult, but I knew it was what I had to do.  Initially, each time I attended was equally as difficult.   I had to make sure I had no excuses not to go.  I had to make sure that I arrived in the parking lot early enough to get a parking spot and not have to park on the street where I would have had to leave midway to add money to the meter.   I had to find a seat, away from the B'nai Mitzvah families and guests that I may have sort of known from school so that I didn't feel like an outsider with them as well.  I never went to the Kiddush because I felt so out of place.  I found it easier to go the weeks when there was not a Bar Mitzvah but I still did not feel comfortable joining the community at the Kiddush.

Over time, I came to understand the components of the service and knew what pages to go to.  I had my own Siddur that had "post it flags" I put on the sections that I would be required to participate in during our son's service.  I did not want to be that parent that could not follow along, even though I was that parent the first time around.

Before long, I began to relax in services and enjoy the service - especially the pre-Torah prayers that are so beautifully chanted.  I wanted to arrive by 9:30 not only for the parking spot, but to experience the service fully.  It seemed wrong to me to come at any other time.  I found a seat that I was comfortable in - or at least a section that put me close enough to follow along and not be distracted and out of the way enough to feel secure. 

I gradually met a few people in the synagogue.  During this time, I began to go to the Friday morning Torah classes that our Senior Rabbi holds so I was beginning to become friendly with a few people and I began attending other events so others congregants were at least familiar to me.  Making friends is generally not a challenge for me, but the insecurity I felt among those who are more religious and knowledgeable than myself was still so overwhelming. 

My son's dedication to his studies and preparation was my inspiration.  He takes on all of his responsibilities with such devotion and his Bar Mitzvah was no exception.  Watching him enjoy the process and mastering his roles in the service was my motivation.  I spent a good part of that winter attending services on Saturday mornings and eventually was able to not only follow along but to recite the prayers as well.

The day of his Bar Mitzvah was just as special as was with our daughter but had more meaning to me the second time around.  I understood more of what my son was going through and why.  I understood how the Torah is divided into sections and how our synagogue read through a three year cycle.  I had an understood and appreciation of the significance of studying Torah.   I had a vague understanding of the Haftorah and it's role in the service.   I had an appreciation for the congregation and wanted to do something special for the Kiddush. 

And of course, I was so proud of my son that day!  He did a beautiful job and I loved that the day showed all who were with us what a mench my son was becoming.  I loved sharing that pride with our family, friends and the community. 

However, I privately took pride in a different accomplishment.   I was proud of what I had accomplished and how far I had come in reaching my second goal.  While I still didn't feel like I fully belonged to the community; finally,  I truly felt like I belonged to my religion.

Expanding My Comfort Zone

For years, I was uncomfortable in a synagogue - any synagogue.  I was even uncomfortable walking into my kids' school that was housed in my synagogue.  We only belonged to the synagogue because we needed to in order to secure a date for the kids' B'nai Mitzvahs but I was hesitant to become an active member in any capacity.   It's not that I had never been to Shul in the past, certainly I have for high holidays and B'nai Mitzvahs over the years; but I have never fully understood what services were about and I was never able to follow along so I felt as if I was an outsider.  I stayed away as an adult because it was much easier to stay within my comfort zone when it came to religion.

Because I did not grow up belonging to a synagogue, I have always felt as if I didn't belong in an established Jewish environment and I have always been insecure around religious people.  Actually, I don't mean religious people, but people who have an understanding of religion - my own religion.  I am very outspoken and active in my professional life and political community and there are not many circumstances where I am intimidated, but being in a synagogue was certainly one of them!  Even going to the Purim Carnivals when the kids were young made me feel so uncomfortable.  When I really thought about it, I came to realize that I was not only intimidated by those that knew so much more than me, but envious.

My daughter was first to become a Bat Mitzvah.  While I understood all she had to learn and all the preparation that was ahead of her, for many months I was occupied with everything I had to do.  Don't get me wrong - I love details and love to plan and entire process of planning the party and other events of the weekend was one of the highlights of my life.  But I knew that I had to feel as if I were part of her process and I certainly couldn't contribute to her studying Torah, Troupe or Haftorah.  So I set a goal to overcome my insecurities.  I learned so much during the BBMI (Bar and Bat Mitzvah Institute) sessions that we attended together during her 6th grade year.  I learned what the elements were of the Shabbat Morning Service and I learned what many of them represent.   That was a good first step but really, the ultimate goal for me was to be able to sit comfortably in services on her Bat Mitzvah day.

I did start attending services but I really had to push myself.  I needed an excuse to go - whether it was other kids B'nai Mitzvah's, the requirement that my daughter had to attend, events in the sanctuary or presentations given in the sanctuary.  I would never have dreamed of going by myself so I was always dependent on finding a reason to go or someone to go with.  I know it sounds odd, but I needed to feel comfortable sitting in those seats and being able to at least follow along.

On the Thursday before her Bat Mitzvah, as customary with our synagogue, we attended the morning minyan so that she could have her official first reading of the Torah in a smaller setting.  Certainly, this was way out of my comfort zone!  But the warmth that I felt by the congregants who were there and Ritual Director immediately made it easier.  And the pride I felt - I had no idea how much pride I would feel for my daughter - it was an unbelievable feeling.  That pride helped me through Friday night services which were also very foreign to me and through early Saturday morning before services. 

The Bat Mitzvah itself was an unbelievable experience.   Gone were the thoughts of the Saturday night party, the out of town guest plans, my hard work on the center pieces for the party and the Kiddush, the remaining details of the Kiddush and all that I still had to do that weekend.  It was all about what was happening then and there.  It was all about the service that my family and guests were sharing with the congregation, my daughter's role and participation and the culmination of all her hard work, the amazing job she did, and how everyone - from our Senior Rabbi and the beautiful words he spoke that made the day so personal, to the Ritual Director who understood my insecurities and made me feel welcome,  to the Hazzan who immediately made me feel at ease on the Bimah and whose voice carried me through the service, to the congregants and the many wonderful comments they offered me, all the way to the staff who made sure our needs were met - the day was one that I will always cherish.

By the time Shabbat Services ended Saturday afternoon, I was not only filled with pride and admiration for my daughter, but proud to be where I was and so happy that while she gained an unforgettable experience I gained an understanding and feeling of belonging that I never anticipated and never even saw coming.  I think her Bat Mitzvah was truly a turning point for me and a first step to expanding my comfort zone

Who Am I Really - It's Time For Me to Find Out

This blog will become an important part of My Journey.

I am a Jewish, professional woman who resides in the city of Chicago with my husband and two teenagers.  My Jewish education was limited by finances and circumstances growing up; and it wasn't until my kids were about half way through their Jewish Day School education that I realized that I wanted to, needed to, and felt a responsibility to increase my understanding of my religion.

I want to start by explaining, not only why I am on this journey, but also why I started this blog.  Years ago, I took a two year course from the Florence Melton School of Adult Jewish Learning.  It was an important commitment for me.  So important, in fact, that I fought my synagogue, Anshe Emet Synagogue (AES) as it wanted to change the day it was held in the middle of the two year course.  Luckily, I was able to influence them to keep the day as it was for the following year so that I could continue.  I often refer to that program as "the best gift I ever gave myself."

A few years went by and I knew that I wanted to continue with my learning and understanding of Judaism, but life simply got in the way.  Until a year ago this past fall, while at High Holiday services, I read the Strategic Plan AES put together.  I was so taken with the efforts they made to reach out to those members that were like me - those with minimal formal education and experiences within the Jewish community - that I responded by accepting the educational opportunities they were offering.

My children went to the Jewish Day School housed in our synagogue and because of my limited experiences within my religion, for years I have  felt uncomfortable in the building.  Because many Chicago Jewish, but non religious families look to the Jewish Day Schools as an alternative to public schools, I know there must be many parents at our school who feel the same way.  I am hoping that this blog will encourage others with a limited Judaic upbringing and comfort level like myself to be more accepting and open to approaching their religion and their synagogue as they move forward in life.