The Second Bar Mitzvah - The Second Goal

I had sixteen months between the kids' B'nai Mitzvahs.  Life got a little more complicated all around - for my 8th grade daughter we were in the midst of applying to and accepting a Chicago high school, my mother had a stroke that kept me going back and forth to Detroit, and my professional world had all kinds of political feats to conquer during that time which I was intricately  involved in - but I knew that I had to make my son's day as special as my daughter's and I worked hard those months to make that happen.

I also knew that I had to go the next level for myself.  I needed to take the steps to meet the second goal that I set for myself - understanding Shabbat Services.

A few years ago I took the beginning class of Hebrew  - learning the Alpha Bet.  It was fine, difficult to memorize all the symbols at first, but not a problem.  The second class, however, was a different story.  Everyone in the class was familiar with words and phonetics because they were used to hearing them in services year after year or even week after week for some.  I was not.  The words, expressions and phrases were foreign to me.  Because I had not attended services, I could not continue with learning Hebrew.

I could no longer count on having a specific reason or excuse to attend services.  I knew I could no longer depend on finding someone to go with and I had to force myself to go alone.  The first time I attended services by myself was very difficult, but I knew it was what I had to do.  Initially, each time I attended was equally as difficult.   I had to make sure I had no excuses not to go.  I had to make sure that I arrived in the parking lot early enough to get a parking spot and not have to park on the street where I would have had to leave midway to add money to the meter.   I had to find a seat, away from the B'nai Mitzvah families and guests that I may have sort of known from school so that I didn't feel like an outsider with them as well.  I never went to the Kiddush because I felt so out of place.  I found it easier to go the weeks when there was not a Bar Mitzvah but I still did not feel comfortable joining the community at the Kiddush.

Over time, I came to understand the components of the service and knew what pages to go to.  I had my own Siddur that had "post it flags" I put on the sections that I would be required to participate in during our son's service.  I did not want to be that parent that could not follow along, even though I was that parent the first time around.

Before long, I began to relax in services and enjoy the service - especially the pre-Torah prayers that are so beautifully chanted.  I wanted to arrive by 9:30 not only for the parking spot, but to experience the service fully.  It seemed wrong to me to come at any other time.  I found a seat that I was comfortable in - or at least a section that put me close enough to follow along and not be distracted and out of the way enough to feel secure. 

I gradually met a few people in the synagogue.  During this time, I began to go to the Friday morning Torah classes that our Senior Rabbi holds so I was beginning to become friendly with a few people and I began attending other events so others congregants were at least familiar to me.  Making friends is generally not a challenge for me, but the insecurity I felt among those who are more religious and knowledgeable than myself was still so overwhelming. 

My son's dedication to his studies and preparation was my inspiration.  He takes on all of his responsibilities with such devotion and his Bar Mitzvah was no exception.  Watching him enjoy the process and mastering his roles in the service was my motivation.  I spent a good part of that winter attending services on Saturday mornings and eventually was able to not only follow along but to recite the prayers as well.

The day of his Bar Mitzvah was just as special as was with our daughter but had more meaning to me the second time around.  I understood more of what my son was going through and why.  I understood how the Torah is divided into sections and how our synagogue read through a three year cycle.  I had an understood and appreciation of the significance of studying Torah.   I had a vague understanding of the Haftorah and it's role in the service.   I had an appreciation for the congregation and wanted to do something special for the Kiddush. 

And of course, I was so proud of my son that day!  He did a beautiful job and I loved that the day showed all who were with us what a mench my son was becoming.  I loved sharing that pride with our family, friends and the community. 

However, I privately took pride in a different accomplishment.   I was proud of what I had accomplished and how far I had come in reaching my second goal.  While I still didn't feel like I fully belonged to the community; finally,  I truly felt like I belonged to my religion.