The Mourning Rituals and My Renewed Learning

My father passed away the week I was graduating from medial school and I didn't know much about mourning traditions in the Jewish religion other than sitting Shiva which we had always done for everyone else.  While I have known to stand and recite the Mourners' Kaddish during the yahrzeit of "my people" and have always done so;  I never knew what a  mourner was really supposed to do, or understand why. 

I have always understood why Shiva takes place and the reasoning behind the more traditional rituals of mourning such as washing one's hands upon return from the cemetery, sitting low, not rising to greet others, the covering of the mirrors and of abstaining from joyous activities for a period of time.  But as I have looked more closely at the rituals these past several weeks, some questions do arise.  Certainly, it makes sense to me that one would not engage in dancing or music during the period of Shloshim, but should looking at art also be avoided?  While listening to music may represent entertainment to those that appreciate music, is it not the same as someone who appreciates art or even nature?  Or what about enjoying a meal out?  It seems that any activity that brings pleasure should be avoided during that time.  And what about the period of Shanah?  Would it really be honoring my mother and grandmother if I didn't attend the upcoming B'nai Mitzvah of my niece and nephew?  Of course, I wouldn't be Jewish if I didn't ask questions as I learn about our ancient rituals!

In learning about mourning traditions, I began to understand that the time prior to the burial is all about the deceased and that the time following the burial is all about the mourners.  How beautiful.  Even after four previous deaths of immediate family members, I had never known about the Shomir.  What a wonderful tradition and how unbelievably powerful the thought of someone watching over the body and protecting the soul until burial.  I was so taken with the beauty of that thought and the respect for life that this represents that I started investigating serving on the burial society for my synagogue.  What better honor can be bestowed upon a person - to sanctify the life of any one individual.

In speaking with my Rabbi, I began to learn more about these rituals and about saying Kaddish.  I have known that saying Kaddish is a way to honor the individual and had previously learned that it ascends the soul.  I don't know if I really believe that, but again, what a beautiful thought and as there is not much more I can now do for my mother, I would try to do this.  I knew that daily Kaddish is not something that I could ever do and that my mother would not want that, but I set a goal of reciting Kaddish once a week.  

What did surprise me while learning about Kaddish, however, is that there is no mention of the departed or loss of life or even in elevating the spirit/soul in the translation but instead praising G-d for creating life of this world in general and life of individuals.  It seems to acclaim the gift of life and all the days of life that each of us is given.  Again, beautiful - to honor the precious days that our loved ones had on this earth and the true blessing that the privilege of being given life brings with it.

I was able to say Kaddish several times in the first few weeks after the funerals.  I am not an early morning person, so morning minyan is not an option for me, even if it does represent the last thing I could do for my mother.   With the remaining holidays immediately after their funerals; I had opportunities to attend services on several evenings as well as Yizkor on two occasions.

I was happy to have started the process, but I now feel somewhat removed as time has gone on.  I have been out of town and haven't been able to attend services the past two weeks.  I have been frustrated as I hadn't been able to read the transliteration well enough to feel as if I am really saying it properly, but I am working on it.  While I am comfortable participating in services now, not being able to properly recite the prayer has been daunting.  I know practice will help, but I am hoping maybe U-Tube can help as well.

As the final day of Shloshim has come and gone and I am learning how to live my life without my mother; I hope to renew my commitment, overcome my insecurities and continue to work on meeting my goal.