A Gift From G-d: Shiva How it's Supposted to Be

A dear friend of mine told me that I had received a gift from G-d after I described the last night of Shiva for my mother and grandmother.

I had decided that I wanted to be surrounded by my Chicago girl friends. We had sat at my brother's house in Detroit for several nights but it felt somewhat impersonal as I didn't know many of the people who came to pay their respects.  While I understand people feel the need to express their own grief and support to those that they know who may have suffered a loss; I was never comfortable with the idea of having a social gathering of people that are not necessarily close friends during a Shiva.    Many of my friends expressed the desire to help me in some way and I felt that I needed to have them share in my loss.  I also felt that my mother's death wouldn't feel "real" if I didn't bring it back to Chicago so I decided to sit in Chicago as well.  On the first night back in Chicago, we had a small traditional Shiva with many of our family friends, but I knew I had to do something different on the last night because my husband had to work that evening.  I spent a lot of time considering if I should sit without him, which didn't seem right; but I didn't want to short change my respect to my mother and grandmother. 

As I thought about my options, I came to a decision that made me feel so happy and satisfied once I had made it a few days after their funerals.  My mother had the most amazing group of friends and I have always admired her friendships. I could not think of a better way to honor her than to be surrounded by my own girl friends in Chicago.

A few close friends helped make the arrangements.  I had wanted everyone to join me for dinner outside in my garden and have an intimate evening including the service.  Everyone brought vegetarian dishes and set up my home with food, wine and candles in my yard.

We had a beautiful service outside on my deck surrounded by the candles and my garden.  Our Rabbi gave me the opportunity to speak about both my mom and my grandmother. He asked me to reflect on how my mother would want to be honored and all I could think about was that this was the perfect way for me to honor her. Our Ritual Director is a woman and having her there with her beautiful voice completed the evening.   I was so touched to see how all my friends were equally moved as I was from this wonderful evening.

It was such a meaningful evening - to be surrounded by my girl friends, all daughters and/or mothers themselves - and it made the entire Shiva such a positive experience for me and I know will help me transition through life without the women that were so important to me.