Expanding My Comfort Zone

For years, I was uncomfortable in a synagogue - any synagogue.  I was even uncomfortable walking into my kids' school that was housed in my synagogue.  We only belonged to the synagogue because we needed to in order to secure a date for the kids' B'nai Mitzvahs but I was hesitant to become an active member in any capacity.   It's not that I had never been to Shul in the past, certainly I have for high holidays and B'nai Mitzvahs over the years; but I have never fully understood what services were about and I was never able to follow along so I felt as if I was an outsider.  I stayed away as an adult because it was much easier to stay within my comfort zone when it came to religion.

Because I did not grow up belonging to a synagogue, I have always felt as if I didn't belong in an established Jewish environment and I have always been insecure around religious people.  Actually, I don't mean religious people, but people who have an understanding of religion - my own religion.  I am very outspoken and active in my professional life and political community and there are not many circumstances where I am intimidated, but being in a synagogue was certainly one of them!  Even going to the Purim Carnivals when the kids were young made me feel so uncomfortable.  When I really thought about it, I came to realize that I was not only intimidated by those that knew so much more than me, but envious.

My daughter was first to become a Bat Mitzvah.  While I understood all she had to learn and all the preparation that was ahead of her, for many months I was occupied with everything I had to do.  Don't get me wrong - I love details and love to plan and entire process of planning the party and other events of the weekend was one of the highlights of my life.  But I knew that I had to feel as if I were part of her process and I certainly couldn't contribute to her studying Torah, Troupe or Haftorah.  So I set a goal to overcome my insecurities.  I learned so much during the BBMI (Bar and Bat Mitzvah Institute) sessions that we attended together during her 6th grade year.  I learned what the elements were of the Shabbat Morning Service and I learned what many of them represent.   That was a good first step but really, the ultimate goal for me was to be able to sit comfortably in services on her Bat Mitzvah day.

I did start attending services but I really had to push myself.  I needed an excuse to go - whether it was other kids B'nai Mitzvah's, the requirement that my daughter had to attend, events in the sanctuary or presentations given in the sanctuary.  I would never have dreamed of going by myself so I was always dependent on finding a reason to go or someone to go with.  I know it sounds odd, but I needed to feel comfortable sitting in those seats and being able to at least follow along.

On the Thursday before her Bat Mitzvah, as customary with our synagogue, we attended the morning minyan so that she could have her official first reading of the Torah in a smaller setting.  Certainly, this was way out of my comfort zone!  But the warmth that I felt by the congregants who were there and Ritual Director immediately made it easier.  And the pride I felt - I had no idea how much pride I would feel for my daughter - it was an unbelievable feeling.  That pride helped me through Friday night services which were also very foreign to me and through early Saturday morning before services. 

The Bat Mitzvah itself was an unbelievable experience.   Gone were the thoughts of the Saturday night party, the out of town guest plans, my hard work on the center pieces for the party and the Kiddush, the remaining details of the Kiddush and all that I still had to do that weekend.  It was all about what was happening then and there.  It was all about the service that my family and guests were sharing with the congregation, my daughter's role and participation and the culmination of all her hard work, the amazing job she did, and how everyone - from our Senior Rabbi and the beautiful words he spoke that made the day so personal, to the Ritual Director who understood my insecurities and made me feel welcome,  to the Hazzan who immediately made me feel at ease on the Bimah and whose voice carried me through the service, to the congregants and the many wonderful comments they offered me, all the way to the staff who made sure our needs were met - the day was one that I will always cherish.

By the time Shabbat Services ended Saturday afternoon, I was not only filled with pride and admiration for my daughter, but proud to be where I was and so happy that while she gained an unforgettable experience I gained an understanding and feeling of belonging that I never anticipated and never even saw coming.  I think her Bat Mitzvah was truly a turning point for me and a first step to expanding my comfort zone