Will I Ever be Able to Balance the Need for Explanation with the Acceptance of Wonderment

Science vs. religion. 
Questioning vs. believing. 
The quest for explanation vs. the acceptance of wonderment.

I am so envious of those whose belief is unquestioned – of those whose faith is so innate to their being that the idea of searching would never even occur to them.  I now know many who have been brought up with such blind faith and are able to live their lives without any reason to question, or at least with so much faith that even the thought of questioning would serve no purpose.  I know that some of these individuals are quite learned; not only in religion, but in science as well.  As a physician and someone with a science background, I have come to seek truth in concrete answers and had reliance and trust only in cause and effect. 

 
I am jealous of those that believe.  Even though I am now studying Torah and Judaism, I am still finding it difficult to overcome the questioning person I have always been.  I sit in my classes and listen to very educated people who seem not to question while I I continue to struggle with intangible concepts.

I recently read As A Driven Leaf by Milton Steinberg.  It was the perfect book to begin my educational reading outside of the Torah.  The concept was very heavy for me – the quest for explanation vs. the acceptance of wonderment.  Set in the second century, the main character Elisha ben Abuyah leaves his religious life and his blind faith to seek a scientific explanation worthy of that faith.  He set out to explore the work of Greek philosophers and science of the time to enable him to confirm his belief or reject his belief.  He challenged his comfort zone of total religious belief to one that questioned the words of Scripture. He looked for hidden meanings of the coexistence of G-d and earthly things.  He wondered if G-d created form from something that may have already existed.  He began questioning what he had always taken for granted and tried to create cause and effect for the beliefs he had once simply accepted. 

I think As A Driven Leaf resonated with me for two reasons:  first, because I admired the thought of someone approaching the question of belief from the blind faith perspective and second, because I myself am approaching it but from the exact opposite perspective.  Like Elisha ben Abuyah, I am forcing myself to emerge from my own comfort zone.  Like Elisha ben Abuyah, I struggle to find a way to allow both my respect for science and yearning for religion to coexist. 

I so admire those that have absolute conviction and those that allow their lives to be guided by that faith.  When Elisha ben Abuyah was forced to make a life directing decision, I found myself hoping that he would return to his unquestioned faith.  I truly think my heart and soul are trying to believe despite my brain’s quest for answers.  In the end, Elisha ben Abuyah of course does not find the answers he is seeking because those questions have never been answered.  The mystery has remained and in spite of science, will likely always remain.   Despite science continuing to unravel the mysteries of life, I will continue my strive to believe in those mysteries.