Help me, O God, to pray.

Help me, O God, to pray.

I went to morning minyan.  Twice.  I realized after my last blog post that there were really two things that were making me insecure about attending a minyan.  Tefillin is one; but first and foremost, is the thought that those who attend morning minyan on a daily basis pray on a daily basis.   They believe in prayer strongly enough to pray every morning.  When I forced myself to really examine what is holding me back in this journey and what intimidates me the most, I realized that I am not yet comfortable with prayer.

The first time I attended minyan, I followed along to get a feel for the sections that were covered in the Siddur for weekdays which of course is different from the Shabbat Siddur. But during my second morning minyan I really paid attention to what I was reading in English.  What struck me was how different this was, for me, than being present during Shabbat Services.

I have had a hard time in services during Shabbat morning because I don't observe Shabbat.  I may now honor Shabbat by lighting candles on Friday nights and attending services fairly often on Saturday mornings, but I do not observe Shabbat.  I drive, I cook, I do laundry, etc.  I love that I now read and study Torah on Shabbat mornings and I try not to do any real work but I certainly would not say I observe Shabbat.  Much of the prayers in the Shabbat Siddur talk about observing and treasuring Shabbat and I almost feel hypocritical while I am reading them.

Because there was less transliteration in this Siddur and because I wasn't focusing on the Torah, I was able to focus more on the English meanings of the prayers.  The prayers for morning minyan seem to be only about prayer and only about G-d.    As I realized that on my second morning minyan I was somewhat relieved because I wasn't reading about the commandment of observing Shabbat.  Ironically, I found this reaction interesting, because I feel equally uncomfortable as I continue to struggle with the idea of prayer! 

Help me, O God, to pray.

There were three passages that struck me in the Siddur.  This line from the Shaharit was the most powerful.  I loved the lines that said, "Help us find our way to Your truth again, to obey You with trusting faith, to attain wholeness in Your presence."  I am not afraid to say that I have struggled with my belief in G-d.  So it goes without saying that it would be difficult to pray while I continue to have this struggle.  But if someone believes whole heartedly in G-d, why should they need help to pray? 

The next passage that resonated with me was "My God, keep my tongue from evil, my lips from lies.  Help me ignore those who would slander me.  Let me be humble before all.  Open my heart to Your Torah, that I may pursue Your mitzvot."  I realized recently that my studying Torah has gotten to the point now that am open to the messages and teachings of the Torah.  I am no longer just learning about the "characters in the story."  But what also struck me was this message is exactly the life message I have always expressed to my kids:  be the best person you can be every day of your life.

And finally, the other passage that moved me was following the Sh'ma. 

"You shall love Adonai your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might.  And these words, which I command you this day, you shall take to heart.  Teach them, diligently, to your children, and recite them at home and away, night and day.  Bind them as a sign upon your hand and as a reminder above your eyes.  Inscribe them upon the doorposts of your homes and upon your gates." 

Even as I read this now, I realize that this passage says it all - for those who believe in G-d, for those who believe in prayer and for those who are looking to find these beliefs for themselves and within themselves.