A New Stumbling Block: Morning Minyan

I hit a stumbling block last week.  I was very disappointed in myself and frustrated that at this point in the game I could not get past this obstacle.  Because of the holidays, many of our usual minyan attendees were out of town and our Ritual Director knew we were not going to have enough people attending to make a minyan.  I wanted to help and tried to recruit people at an event I was at and decided I would attend one morning.  If for no other reason, I wanted to go as a favor to her.  It was to be a morning that started a little later so the early start time was not a barrier, or an excuse, for me not to go.

I am 100% comfortable in our synagogue now - fully secure in attending services (even though I am only maybe 50% sure of which prayers are which) and even now comfortable with those members whom I have felt intimated before because of their level of observance.  But, going to a minyan, apparently, is still a problem for me.

I know many, if not most, of the regular minyan group which isn't that large of a group to begin with.  And its not that I haven't been before.  I went last year with my husband on our "assigned minyan date" and I attended the first week after my mother passed away and once during Sukkot.  But still - this was something I wasn't sure I could do.  I stressed over going the entire evening before the day I had planned on attending.  I knew it was a mitzvah and something I could do to give back to my synagogue in addition to helping out our Ritual Director.  I live close enough that it would not have been a major hardship for me to pitch in.  I had arranged my schedule so that I could go.

I arose that morning knowing outright that I wasn't going to go but still pretending I was and stalling - or rather putzing - around my house until it was past the time that I would have had to leave.  I was very disappointed in myself but chose to put it out of my mind the rest of the day. 

I now find myself trying to determine exactly what it was that inhibited me from attending.  Maybe because the weekday prayer book has less explanation in it than the Shabbat Sidor.  Maybe because the service goes so quickly that I don't have a chance to understand the significance of each section.  Maybe because I am intimidated by teffilin.  Maybe because everyone else there can easily follow along because it is a part of their daily lives.  Maybe it simply goes back to my insecurities related to people that include this in part of their daily lives.  Maybe, most likely, it is all of the above.

When we had Shiva for my mother and grandmother, I was so taken with people who came for the minyan each night.  While at the time, I still wasn't fully aware of why a minyan was so essential; I knew that some of those people only came for that reason and it made me understand the importance, and mitzvah associated with this responsibility.  My next major hurdle is to be able to accept this responsibility.  This week, I am going to attend a Learner's Service on Shabbat.  While I think it is more geared toward learning about the Shabbat Service, I hope it will be the next step I need in this journey.