Deciding if I Believe

Do I believe in G-d? It sounds like such a simple question - either someone does or they don't - but many are pulled in opposite directions when that basic question is presented.  I have a friend who is very ill.  Despite all treatments he continues to worsen and is now considered terminal.  Despite my own uncertainty of faith, I knew I needed to visit the Kotel when I was in Israel last month on his behalf.

I had two pieces of paper on me to write notes to put into the cracks of the Kotel.  When I was there for the first time a year and a half ago, I was extremely emotional because my mother and grandmother had just passed away; but I knew that I wanted to leave messages of love for them and the others who had passed away.  I guess I felt that The Wall was a conduit to my loved ones who were deceased.  I am not sure what others leave in their notes, but I felt rather silly leaving messages for "my people" although it was important to me that I did.

On the day I ended up at the Kotel, I had only two scraps of paper that I could use.  I had planned on leaving one note expressing my love for "my people" and the other for a prayer for my friend.  One had printing on the back from the page I tore it from and the other was clean and unmarked.  I found myself torn on which message should be written on the unmarked paper and which I should use the marked paper for.  I found myself asking which message should be most pure, most direct and essentially, was most important.  I truly considered which piece of paper would have the best chance of sending its message to where it had to go.

After considerable contemplation, I wrote my two notes on the two scrapes of paper I was holding and I carefully put both pieces of paper into a crack in The Wall.  In fact, I made sure that each piece of paper was firmly seated in its space before I walked away.

I used the unmarked paper for the prayer for my friend.  I guess, when it really comes down to it, I do truly believe in G-d, believe in the possibility of G-d or at least I want to believe in G-d. 

But I did give a kiss to the other paper before tucking it in.