Is G-d only there for those that pray?
Two weeks ago, while reading Mishpatim, I was struck with one line that left me contemplating this question in a way I have yet to consider. In my last blog post, I revealed the raw and core emotions I am dealing with regarding prayer. But I never considered the possibility that G-d is only there for those that pray.
In Exodus 22:26, it is written "...if he cries out to Me, I will pay heed, for I am compassionate."
Obviously the most common question related to this verse is related to why G-d was not compassionate toward the Jewish people during the Holocaust, when surely people cried out in ways I can not even imagine. I am not asking why G-d was not there for those who did cry out; but questioning the words in a different way - will G-d only be there for those who do cry out.
I have never felt that G-d would not be there for me despite my lack of religious education or upbringing. I have never felt that my life was not valued or treasured any less than a religious person. I have never felt less revered or less worthy by the powers that may be.
Rather, I think that we are all valued and honored with the gift of life despite our religious beliefs and actions on those beliefs. In last weeks parasha, Trumah, G-d acknowledges that some people choose devotion when it is said"...you shall accept gifts for Me from every person whose heart so moves him." I think these words are beautiful not only because I know that those that pray do so from the heart, but also because clearly we all have a personal choice.
I find comfort in believing that whether I pray or not, my soul is protected and held in as much esteem as someone who does pray. But I wonder if those that pray daily feel the same way.
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Thursday, February 5, 2015
Help me, O God, to pray.
Help me, O God, to pray.
I went to morning minyan. Twice. I realized after my last blog post that there were really two things that were making me insecure about attending a minyan. Tefillin is one; but first and foremost, is the thought that those who attend morning minyan on a daily basis pray on a daily basis. They believe in prayer strongly enough to pray every morning. When I forced myself to really examine what is holding me back in this journey and what intimidates me the most, I realized that I am not yet comfortable with prayer.
The first time I attended minyan, I followed along to get a feel for the sections that were covered in the Siddur for weekdays which of course is different from the Shabbat Siddur. But during my second morning minyan I really paid attention to what I was reading in English. What struck me was how different this was, for me, than being present during Shabbat Services.
I have had a hard time in services during Shabbat morning because I don't observe Shabbat. I may now honor Shabbat by lighting candles on Friday nights and attending services fairly often on Saturday mornings, but I do not observe Shabbat. I drive, I cook, I do laundry, etc. I love that I now read and study Torah on Shabbat mornings and I try not to do any real work but I certainly would not say I observe Shabbat. Much of the prayers in the Shabbat Siddur talk about observing and treasuring Shabbat and I almost feel hypocritical while I am reading them.
Because there was less transliteration in this Siddur and because I wasn't focusing on the Torah, I was able to focus more on the English meanings of the prayers. The prayers for morning minyan seem to be only about prayer and only about G-d. As I realized that on my second morning minyan I was somewhat relieved because I wasn't reading about the commandment of observing Shabbat. Ironically, I found this reaction interesting, because I feel equally uncomfortable as I continue to struggle with the idea of prayer!
Help me, O God, to pray.
There were three passages that struck me in the Siddur. This line from the Shaharit was the most powerful. I loved the lines that said, "Help us find our way to Your truth again, to obey You with trusting faith, to attain wholeness in Your presence." I am not afraid to say that I have struggled with my belief in G-d. So it goes without saying that it would be difficult to pray while I continue to have this struggle. But if someone believes whole heartedly in G-d, why should they need help to pray?
The next passage that resonated with me was "My God, keep my tongue from evil, my lips from lies. Help me ignore those who would slander me. Let me be humble before all. Open my heart to Your Torah, that I may pursue Your mitzvot." I realized recently that my studying Torah has gotten to the point now that am open to the messages and teachings of the Torah. I am no longer just learning about the "characters in the story." But what also struck me was this message is exactly the life message I have always expressed to my kids: be the best person you can be every day of your life.
And finally, the other passage that moved me was following the Sh'ma.
"You shall love Adonai your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might. And these words, which I command you this day, you shall take to heart. Teach them, diligently, to your children, and recite them at home and away, night and day. Bind them as a sign upon your hand and as a reminder above your eyes. Inscribe them upon the doorposts of your homes and upon your gates."
Even as I read this now, I realize that this passage says it all - for those who believe in G-d, for those who believe in prayer and for those who are looking to find these beliefs for themselves and within themselves.
I went to morning minyan. Twice. I realized after my last blog post that there were really two things that were making me insecure about attending a minyan. Tefillin is one; but first and foremost, is the thought that those who attend morning minyan on a daily basis pray on a daily basis. They believe in prayer strongly enough to pray every morning. When I forced myself to really examine what is holding me back in this journey and what intimidates me the most, I realized that I am not yet comfortable with prayer.
The first time I attended minyan, I followed along to get a feel for the sections that were covered in the Siddur for weekdays which of course is different from the Shabbat Siddur. But during my second morning minyan I really paid attention to what I was reading in English. What struck me was how different this was, for me, than being present during Shabbat Services.
I have had a hard time in services during Shabbat morning because I don't observe Shabbat. I may now honor Shabbat by lighting candles on Friday nights and attending services fairly often on Saturday mornings, but I do not observe Shabbat. I drive, I cook, I do laundry, etc. I love that I now read and study Torah on Shabbat mornings and I try not to do any real work but I certainly would not say I observe Shabbat. Much of the prayers in the Shabbat Siddur talk about observing and treasuring Shabbat and I almost feel hypocritical while I am reading them.
Because there was less transliteration in this Siddur and because I wasn't focusing on the Torah, I was able to focus more on the English meanings of the prayers. The prayers for morning minyan seem to be only about prayer and only about G-d. As I realized that on my second morning minyan I was somewhat relieved because I wasn't reading about the commandment of observing Shabbat. Ironically, I found this reaction interesting, because I feel equally uncomfortable as I continue to struggle with the idea of prayer!
Help me, O God, to pray.
There were three passages that struck me in the Siddur. This line from the Shaharit was the most powerful. I loved the lines that said, "Help us find our way to Your truth again, to obey You with trusting faith, to attain wholeness in Your presence." I am not afraid to say that I have struggled with my belief in G-d. So it goes without saying that it would be difficult to pray while I continue to have this struggle. But if someone believes whole heartedly in G-d, why should they need help to pray?
The next passage that resonated with me was "My God, keep my tongue from evil, my lips from lies. Help me ignore those who would slander me. Let me be humble before all. Open my heart to Your Torah, that I may pursue Your mitzvot." I realized recently that my studying Torah has gotten to the point now that am open to the messages and teachings of the Torah. I am no longer just learning about the "characters in the story." But what also struck me was this message is exactly the life message I have always expressed to my kids: be the best person you can be every day of your life.
And finally, the other passage that moved me was following the Sh'ma.
"You shall love Adonai your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your might. And these words, which I command you this day, you shall take to heart. Teach them, diligently, to your children, and recite them at home and away, night and day. Bind them as a sign upon your hand and as a reminder above your eyes. Inscribe them upon the doorposts of your homes and upon your gates."
Even as I read this now, I realize that this passage says it all - for those who believe in G-d, for those who believe in prayer and for those who are looking to find these beliefs for themselves and within themselves.
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