Seeing G-d in Every Sunset is Simply Not Enough Anymore

Faith. 

Faith is defined as believing in G-d.  As children we are either taught to believe in G-d, instinctively believe in G-d or doubt in the existence of G-d.  As adults, faith differs from person to person as well.  As a child growing up witnessing “bad things happen to good people” I was amongst those who had doubt.  As I moved into adulthood, I put the idea of faith aside while I lived my life, witnessing more bad things as we all do, and believing that while G-d may exist, he has no control of individual lives.  I may have felt G-d in the sunset each day, in the beauty of flowers, in the delight of a new puppy and as I studied medicine - the brilliant and delicate way our bodies are designed.  I believed that G-d was responsible for life overall but I think what I was really believing in was Mother Nature.  When things started going downhill for my mother, I again questioned my beliefs.  I wished that I could find faith in the hour of need as more religious people seem to be able to, but I didn’t see how.  My Rabbi helped take me to the first step of believing in the possibility of G-d and so that I wouldn’t have the feeling that I was alone.  Sure, I could believe in the possibility of G-d.

 
I recently took a course at my synagogue on faith.  The ten week class intended to guide us in defining, seeking, and exploring faith in so many ways.  For me, the class brought on more questions than it answered, but it has opened my eyes that seeing G-d in the sunrise and sunset is simply not good enough anymore.  I have come to realize that faith isn’t simply believing (or believing in the possibility) but means to be able to be in a relationship with G-d. 

Relationships can be complicated.  Relationships are difficult as it is with living beings.  There are relationships with those you have known all your life and relationships with those you just meet.   I have always thought of the word relationship in context to another human being.  I had never thought of having a relationship with G-d; but as I think about it, we have relationships with our environments, relationships with every one of life’s situations and even objects that we love!  We wouldn’t we have a relationship with G-d!

All relationships happen on their own time line – some faster than others.  I have no expectations for myself.  I am sure families that are religious ensure their children have a relationship with G-d by establishing religious beliefs early on.  I am sensitive to others who seem to instinctively accept G-d despite all those bad things happening as well as those who actively try to find that relationship.  I recently stumbled upon the blog of a woman whose five year old son was dying and was astounded how her faith kept her positive and how her belief in prayer served her the same in hoping her son would improve, in keeping her strong as he deteriorated, and remaining faithful as she enters her new phase of life without her son.  I was so impressed with her ability to not question her faith.  Conversely, I have a friend who has been studying Torah for years and is so versed in the content as well as multiple interpretations but is unable to feel G-d presence during Shabbat Services despite his efforts.

I have come to understand (at least intellectually) that accepting and honoring the Torah puts us in a relationship with G-d, but of course, I am approaching this cerebrally as an adult and not from habit or from the benefit of growing up with teachings.   As I encounter more people seeking and experiencing this very personal relationship, I continue to be jealous of those with a more religious background and struggle to find my own relationship with G-d.  While in Israel, I didn’t have the spiritual awakening I was hoping I would, but at the time, I knew that was probably not going to just happen.  I now understand that I need to have a more active role in my relationship with G-d to feel spiritual as this relationship would be no different than establishing any other relationship.

I actually had an “Ah-ha” moment a few weeks ago in Services.  While the Haftorah was being recited, I was reading the Torah portion and with the Trope chanting in the background, I was totally engaged in what I was reading.  I have been reading the Torah now for almost two years but this was the first time that I was totally engrossed in what I was reading.  I don’t know if I would say I was connecting to G-d; but I did feel different and had a sense that I was in a more spiritual place even if it was for just that moment.  While I will continue to look to the sunsets to feel G-d’s presence, I know that I need to look beyond Mother Nature to secure my relationship with G-d and to truly establish faith.