Reading the Torah - I Now Know What its All About!

Simcha Torah has come and gone and I haven't had a chance to reflect on its significance at a personal level.  I have been attending a "Parasha of the Week" class and I had planned marking Simcha Torah with a mini celebration of my own with my class; but with the personal events of my  life leading up to that week and being out of town the following week, it just didn't happen.  But deep within me, I felt satisfaction and accomplishment and that was celebration enough!

This year's Simcha Torah represented my reading the Torah for the first time.  While I may not have  read each parasha completely or with the entire commentary, I read enough that I could at least follow along with the text and the storylines.  I know that I eventually need to read the Torah on a deeper level and certainly, the discussions in our study group do that; but my goal for the first reading was really to  have an understanding of the biblical stories.  I can't tell you have happy I was once I first found out who Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel and Leah all were!  I know it may sound silly to you, but I didn't know the lineage of our Matriarchs and Patriarchs prior to last fall.  My knowledge of the Exodus was limited to "The Ten Commandments" and I had no idea who Noah, Joseph and Joshua were other than basic popular stories that I may have randomly heard.

This was a year for learning and consideration.  Certainly, Genesis was fascinating to read fully for the first time but difficult to accept and reconcile with my scientific background.  It wasn't until later, when I attended a separate class on the origins of Genesis, did I learn that even religious people don't necessarily believe in the early events recorded in Genesis as it is written in the Torah.  While I was frustrated while reading much of the religious instruction in Leviticus and parts of Deuteronomy, I found the storylines within Numbers and Deuteronomy absolutely fascinating.  Toward the end, I kept thinking what a fascinating book it was.  As the drama continued to unfold,  I couldn't wait to go on to the next Parasha.  The end of the Torah was the ultimate culmination beyond imagination.  I think Moses' Poem in Haazinu was one of the most beautiful passages I have ever read.

I attended services for Simcha Torah and shared the excitement with the congregation.  I loved how all generations were together to celebrate.  I had only attended once before when the kids were very young.  Despite the joy I felt, I also felt regret.  I was sorry that I hadn't attended more than once  with my kids while they were growing up. We often used those days off of school to go away or visit family.   Even though my kids went to a Jewish Day School, I realized that day that they do not have the appreciation for the Torah that I am now seeking.  While I thought I was giving them something that I did not have growing up, I realized on that day that I missed the opportunity to do more.  Because I didn't understand the Torah enough to have respect for it, I didn't know to instill that respect in my children.   I may be using the wrong word.  I know both my children respect the Torah and they know many of the teachings, stories and lessons it has provided.  Their education did provide them with the understanding of the Torah that I am just learning.  They certainly had significant exposure to the Torah throughout their ten years of Jewish Day School.  I think what I sensed that day does not have to do with their education but from the lack of instilling the ways of the Torah within our home life.  I didn't know enough about the Torah to bring religion into our home.

I am looking forward to reading the Torah in its entirety for the second time.  This time around because I already know the basic story lines, I will read it with more attention, reflection and consideration.  While I don't always agree with the hypotheses and interpretations that are discussed in our class, I look forward to looking deeper into the text to reveal the meanings I have previously overlooked.  As I am beginning to understand and appreciate our religion more, I think this last statement is what our religion and reading the Torah is all about!

Saying Goodbye to My Mom - One Last Thought

While this last post about my mom isn't religious or even reflective on Judaism, these last few posting have been so helpful to me that I needed to solidify one last thought and there was no place else for me to do that.

While she was ill and out of it, my mom called out several times for my grandfather saying "daddy, daddy, daddy".  I had asked her about it during the times when she was better and she knew she was calling for him but didn't know why.  I had thought maybe he was the one who comforted her when she was sick as a girl but she said that wasn't the case.

One particular day in the hospital when she was miserable she didn't ask for her father but instead for my father.  She kept saying, "I want my husband" over and over.  My father had a lengthy illness and my mother had cared for him for almost ten years consuming most of her life during her 40's.  He has been gone for over twenty years and I have never heard her express missing him.  I was so heartbroken hearing her call for him that day.  I don't remember much about their marriage prior to his illness but I know from stories that they were very much in love in their early years.  I kept wondering if she was calling for him because she missed him, missed the way he used to be, or if she knew she was dying and she was ready to be with him.

Anyway, years ago my mom had given me a black and white photo of the two of them from their engagement and I have had it in my bathroom where I have a collection of my favorite, personal black and white photos.  Each morning, I now look at the photo of my smiling parents - so happy and so in love - and although it still makes me so sad to be reminded that my mother is gone, I find such comfort seeing them together and hoping that they truly are together once again.

 

The Mourning Rituals and My Renewed Learning

My father passed away the week I was graduating from medial school and I didn't know much about mourning traditions in the Jewish religion other than sitting Shiva which we had always done for everyone else.  While I have known to stand and recite the Mourners' Kaddish during the yahrzeit of "my people" and have always done so;  I never knew what a  mourner was really supposed to do, or understand why. 

I have always understood why Shiva takes place and the reasoning behind the more traditional rituals of mourning such as washing one's hands upon return from the cemetery, sitting low, not rising to greet others, the covering of the mirrors and of abstaining from joyous activities for a period of time.  But as I have looked more closely at the rituals these past several weeks, some questions do arise.  Certainly, it makes sense to me that one would not engage in dancing or music during the period of Shloshim, but should looking at art also be avoided?  While listening to music may represent entertainment to those that appreciate music, is it not the same as someone who appreciates art or even nature?  Or what about enjoying a meal out?  It seems that any activity that brings pleasure should be avoided during that time.  And what about the period of Shanah?  Would it really be honoring my mother and grandmother if I didn't attend the upcoming B'nai Mitzvah of my niece and nephew?  Of course, I wouldn't be Jewish if I didn't ask questions as I learn about our ancient rituals!

In learning about mourning traditions, I began to understand that the time prior to the burial is all about the deceased and that the time following the burial is all about the mourners.  How beautiful.  Even after four previous deaths of immediate family members, I had never known about the Shomir.  What a wonderful tradition and how unbelievably powerful the thought of someone watching over the body and protecting the soul until burial.  I was so taken with the beauty of that thought and the respect for life that this represents that I started investigating serving on the burial society for my synagogue.  What better honor can be bestowed upon a person - to sanctify the life of any one individual.

In speaking with my Rabbi, I began to learn more about these rituals and about saying Kaddish.  I have known that saying Kaddish is a way to honor the individual and had previously learned that it ascends the soul.  I don't know if I really believe that, but again, what a beautiful thought and as there is not much more I can now do for my mother, I would try to do this.  I knew that daily Kaddish is not something that I could ever do and that my mother would not want that, but I set a goal of reciting Kaddish once a week.  

What did surprise me while learning about Kaddish, however, is that there is no mention of the departed or loss of life or even in elevating the spirit/soul in the translation but instead praising G-d for creating life of this world in general and life of individuals.  It seems to acclaim the gift of life and all the days of life that each of us is given.  Again, beautiful - to honor the precious days that our loved ones had on this earth and the true blessing that the privilege of being given life brings with it.

I was able to say Kaddish several times in the first few weeks after the funerals.  I am not an early morning person, so morning minyan is not an option for me, even if it does represent the last thing I could do for my mother.   With the remaining holidays immediately after their funerals; I had opportunities to attend services on several evenings as well as Yizkor on two occasions.

I was happy to have started the process, but I now feel somewhat removed as time has gone on.  I have been out of town and haven't been able to attend services the past two weeks.  I have been frustrated as I hadn't been able to read the transliteration well enough to feel as if I am really saying it properly, but I am working on it.  While I am comfortable participating in services now, not being able to properly recite the prayer has been daunting.  I know practice will help, but I am hoping maybe U-Tube can help as well.

As the final day of Shloshim has come and gone and I am learning how to live my life without my mother; I hope to renew my commitment, overcome my insecurities and continue to work on meeting my goal.