Reaching A Milestone: 11 Months of Kaddish for My Mom and Learning to Live My Life Without Her

Death is such a encompassing concept.  Hundreds or thousands can die at a time from  war or a catastrophic event and it can feel so far away from us as individuals if we are not directly affected.  On the other hand, we lose someone close to us and the exact opposite is true - death is so personal and  intimate.  I remember having this thought when my brother died after 911.

I recently said Kaddish for my mom for the last time at the end of the eleven month cycle.  I was a little confused because it was several weeks before either the Hebrew calender or regular calendar anniversary of her death but apparently this year was a leap year so there was an extra month.  I tried to say Kaddish once a week for my mom since her death and I had so many mixed feelings about that last morning a few weeks ago; but what I didn't appreciate at the time is that I am finally a grown up - carrying out such an important privilege and responsibility of adult Jewish life.  While this ritual is certainly not chosen by all Jewish adults, certainly learning to live our lives without our parents is an experience we all share.  I realized that this is a "milestone" no different than the milestones we reached in our youth such as walking, speaking our first words or starting school.  It is a turning point in most people's lives with challenges that I had never anticipated.  I never imagined how hard it is as a woman, to no longer have your mother in your life.  I have gained a new respect for everyone I know, young and old, who have lost their mothers.  Of course, this is not to say that losing a father or either parent for a man is any different, but I can only reflect on my loss of my mother as her absence is still so strongly felt.

I mentioned that I had mixed feelings on my last day of Kaddish.  Of course I was deeply saddened as I was reminded of my personal loss and sad that a landmark of time passed without her being able to continue to experience life.

I had other feelings on that day that I must share.  First, I felt pride in myself that I was able to more or less maintain the commitment to weekly Kaddish.   This is something I had never even known about and as I progress on My Journey, I felt strongly about accomplishing this for my mom and my self.  But I also had felt disappointment  that I could still not recite Kaddish well enough at the pace it is said during Kaddish and that I was not able to reach that as a goal I had set for myself.  Finally, I felt incredible gratitude for the solace and comfort I received from supportive community of my synagogue and our Rabbis.

"Learning to live without one's mother" is an expression that I have come to appreciate and a task I have spent the last eleven plus months trying to figure out  how best to do.  I imagine that this necessity of life will be different at different times of my life, but I know it is something we all must come to terms with.