Reaching A Milestone: 11 Months of Kaddish for My Mom and Learning to Live My Life Without Her

Death is such a encompassing concept.  Hundreds or thousands can die at a time from  war or a catastrophic event and it can feel so far away from us as individuals if we are not directly affected.  On the other hand, we lose someone close to us and the exact opposite is true - death is so personal and  intimate.  I remember having this thought when my brother died after 911.

I recently said Kaddish for my mom for the last time at the end of the eleven month cycle.  I was a little confused because it was several weeks before either the Hebrew calender or regular calendar anniversary of her death but apparently this year was a leap year so there was an extra month.  I tried to say Kaddish once a week for my mom since her death and I had so many mixed feelings about that last morning a few weeks ago; but what I didn't appreciate at the time is that I am finally a grown up - carrying out such an important privilege and responsibility of adult Jewish life.  While this ritual is certainly not chosen by all Jewish adults, certainly learning to live our lives without our parents is an experience we all share.  I realized that this is a "milestone" no different than the milestones we reached in our youth such as walking, speaking our first words or starting school.  It is a turning point in most people's lives with challenges that I had never anticipated.  I never imagined how hard it is as a woman, to no longer have your mother in your life.  I have gained a new respect for everyone I know, young and old, who have lost their mothers.  Of course, this is not to say that losing a father or either parent for a man is any different, but I can only reflect on my loss of my mother as her absence is still so strongly felt.

I mentioned that I had mixed feelings on my last day of Kaddish.  Of course I was deeply saddened as I was reminded of my personal loss and sad that a landmark of time passed without her being able to continue to experience life.

I had other feelings on that day that I must share.  First, I felt pride in myself that I was able to more or less maintain the commitment to weekly Kaddish.   This is something I had never even known about and as I progress on My Journey, I felt strongly about accomplishing this for my mom and my self.  But I also had felt disappointment  that I could still not recite Kaddish well enough at the pace it is said during Kaddish and that I was not able to reach that as a goal I had set for myself.  Finally, I felt incredible gratitude for the solace and comfort I received from supportive community of my synagogue and our Rabbis.

"Learning to live without one's mother" is an expression that I have come to appreciate and a task I have spent the last eleven plus months trying to figure out  how best to do.  I imagine that this necessity of life will be different at different times of my life, but I know it is something we all must come to terms with.

Standing Tall with Pride at Being Jewish

I've never been more proud to be Jewish then I was today.  I have felt sadness, anxiety, optimism, despair, and frustration over the situation in Israel just like everyone else.  I have felt gratitude for the IDF, empathy for their parents, concern for all Israelis, frightened for the southern Israelis, respect for the Israeli leaders, sorrow for the Gazan civilians and disgust and even pity for the radical Islamics.  But today, as I read one particular blog entry,  I was filled with pride.

I have been reading the Times of Israel blog entries continually and I have really been impressed that this particular blog seemed to be fair in its reporting and not slanted as some of the other blogs and Israeli social media outlets have been.  I have found myself riveted by not only the military events of the month; but of the social, political and interpretive comments.  While my knowledge of Israeli politics and political parties is very limited I have begun to understand the view of both the right and the left.

I really intended to write this week about either my first experience observing Tisha B'Av or about the conclusion of saying Kaddish for my mom; but those will have to wait. 

Today I read an entry that reported  Prime Minister Netanyahu's statements since the cease fire.  First of all, I was impressed with his ability to quickly switch gears from making military decisions to speaking (at least portrayed in the media) calmly about the current situation and moving forward in his role as prime minister.  He reportedly offered condolences to the Palestinian citizens harmed or killed and said, “Israel deeply regrets every civilian casualty, every single one. We do not target them. People of Gaza are not our enemies. Our enemy is Hamas.”  Another post stated that Netanyahu stressed “every civilian casualty is a tragedy." 

But the posted quote that affected me the most was what seemed to me a bold and direct statement that clearly is not going to be supported by much of the international community or even by all Israelis. 

Raphael Ahren wrote, "It would be 'a moral mistake,' he says, not to act against terrorist fire from mosques, schools and residential areas. Such behavior would represent 'an enormous victory for terrorists everywhere,' he says.  If this were to happen, more and more civilians would die around the world, he says.  Terrorists must not be allowed to 'fight from civilian areas with impunity'."

I'm not exactly sure why this post filled me with such pride and made me think how thankful I was to be Jewish.  Maybe because I recognized the leadership that was needed to be able to publically make this comment.  Maybe because I respected the decisions that were made in order to shape the future of all civilizations.  Maybe I had a sudden realization that these qualities are what drive the Jewish people, both collectively and individually.  I'm not sure; but I instantly felt pride in Benjamin Netanyahu, in Israel, and in my Judaism.

I know enough to know that not all of Netanyahu's decisions were supported by all of Israel's leaders and that many felt that it was a mistake to agree to the current ceasefire.  There is certainly more than one way to approach a political and/or military dilemma but I also know how important it is to support the final decision.  I have gained such respect, and pride, Israel and the decisions that were made.

Saying how proud I am to be Jewish seems like a paradox as just three weeks ago I told my 17 year old daughter to stay away from the anti-Israeli protesters and the Israeli supporters while she was in Boston.  With four weeks of education and enlightenment behind me, I think now I would instead tell her watch her surroundings, stay in a group and to be sure to stand tall while supporting Israel.