Is Honoring Shabbat Enough (at least for now)?

I don't observe Shabbat.  I have enjoyed and am comfortable with lighting the Shabbat Candles and welcoming and honoring Shabbat.  However, I drive on Shabbat, I partake in activities on Saturday, I cook on Saturday, and I do not have Shabbat dinners.  I have however, stopped doing work related activities on Saturday and begun to treat the day different then Sundays.

I find it difficult to be in services when I know I don't observe Shabbat.  I have been going to services, not as an expression of observing Shabbat, but more as a learning experience, at least for right now.  Recently, I began reading the English during services as opposed to focusing on the transliteration.  In several areas of the Siddur, I almost felt ashamed to be in Shul as I read about the gift of Shabbat.  I felt very uneasy knowing the prayers were about the importance of observing Shabbat and knowing that I do not observe.  Although, other sections that were about praising G-d and his gifts to us - life, Torah, and even Shabbat.  I could appreciate those sections and felt good to be apart of what I was reading.

Reading the English has enabled me to take a more active, engaging role during services.  Certainly, reading/chanting the transliteration made me feel engaged and part of the community; but without knowing what I was reading made it difficult to feel actively involved.  Reading the English definitely helped.

So, for now, I will continue with lighting of the candles, going to services when I can and learning about Shabbat.  For now, I can only honor Shabbat in this way and respect the gift that has been given to me and feel apart of the community that I belong to.

Lighting Shabbat Candles - How Does it Feel?

"How did it feel?"  That was the question that each and every religious person asked me when I told them I lit the candles that first Shabbat.  I was surprised at that question when my Rabbi first asked me and perplexed when our ritual director asked me the exact same question. 

The only way I could answer each of them was to tell them how I didn't feel. 

I didn't feel awkward or embarrassed or odd. 

It didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable or odd. 

It was fine.   I had decided to light the candles by myself and for myself.   My thinking was that if I became comfortable with lighting Shabbat Candles by myself, it would not be a big deal to incorporate that into our Friday evening if we ever decide to do a Shabbat dinner.  I knew that it was the first step in that direction.  I knew that I had to do this for myself before I could do this with someone else.

It has been three weeks now that I have lighten the candles.  I am still not sure how I felt - pride, maybe;  a sense of accomplishment for sure; happy, certainly because that comes with a sense of personal satisfaction. 

I don't know if those responses were what was anticipated when the question was put before me.  I don't know that I felt anything spiritual, but I think I did feel a sense of belonging. 

I am wondering exactly what responses were anticipated by the first two that questioned me; but I do know, that by the time the third person (another Rabbi) asked me, I think I began to understand the question just a little bit more.