Trying to Overcome the Next Fear - Lighting Shabbat Candles

One of the things that so impressed me while being in Israel was how serious religious people are about Shabbat.  Obviously, I know that the Orthodox and many Conservative Jews observe Shabbat and I am aware that it is considered one of the most important holidays; but I never realized how people truly love, and respect, Shabbat.  Watching the multiple groups of religious adults, both young and old, dancing Friday night outside the Kotel is an image I will not forget.

While in Jerusalem, we attended services at three different synagogues.  The first was an Orthodox Italian Synagogue where the women sat in the balcony and could peer down through  3/4 closed shutters at the service below.  I was overcome by the splendor of the small Shul, the solemnness of the service and the absolute beauty of their Torah.  But what struck me most that day was the reverence and admiration they had for both the Torah and the service.  It's not that I haven't noticed those things in my own Synagogue, but I seem to have seen things in a different light on that day.  Maybe it as the vantage point I had while sitting above in the balcony.

Given that this week's Parasha is B'Shallah and that honoring Shabbat is first mentioned here in the Torah, I have been thinking all week long that I might like to honor Shabbat in some way this weekend.  I am planning on going to Services, but that isn't enough of a step for me at this point.  I have been debating all week whether or not to light candles and say Kiddush and Hamotzi.

My daughter is sleeping out tonight and my son has a friend over.  Not the best weekend to start this.  Or maybe it is, I don't know.  I am not planning a major meal and am not in the frame of mind to fully accept the Sabbath (and don't know if I ever will) but I think if I don't at least light the candles this week (tonight actually), I will never do it.  I feel silly that after all these years, I have never done it.  Well, maybe once or twice.  Many years ago I purchased candle sticks and a bread knife that I always intended to use for Shabbat and I think we may have had a Friday night Shabbat dinner once or twice when the kids were young.  I still have a hard time participating in one ritual and observance but not the others associated with Shabbat, but I think I have to do this one step at a time. 

I don't know if I will ever fully observe Shabbat -  I think its difficult to make this commitment so  late in life while there are others I live with who have no intention of making it with me.  Of course, that is entirely my fault and I regret not starting and having a more religious home when my kids were little but there isn't much I can do about that now.  I can only show my kids that I have realized, at least at this point in my life, that religion is important and needs to be integrated in some way and hope that they will carry that message with them as they become adults.

I am going to pull out my candlesticks, the Kiddush cup from our wedding that we also used for the B'nai Mitzvahs and the bread knife.  Even if we are only having Chili for dinner tonight and even if I do this before my son and his friend come down to the table.  I need to do this for myself.  And hopefully, it will make it easier for me the next time.

Shabbat Shalom