A Gift From G-d: Shiva How it's Supposted to Be

A dear friend of mine told me that I had received a gift from G-d after I described the last night of Shiva for my mother and grandmother.

I had decided that I wanted to be surrounded by my Chicago girl friends. We had sat at my brother's house in Detroit for several nights but it felt somewhat impersonal as I didn't know many of the people who came to pay their respects.  While I understand people feel the need to express their own grief and support to those that they know who may have suffered a loss; I was never comfortable with the idea of having a social gathering of people that are not necessarily close friends during a Shiva.    Many of my friends expressed the desire to help me in some way and I felt that I needed to have them share in my loss.  I also felt that my mother's death wouldn't feel "real" if I didn't bring it back to Chicago so I decided to sit in Chicago as well.  On the first night back in Chicago, we had a small traditional Shiva with many of our family friends, but I knew I had to do something different on the last night because my husband had to work that evening.  I spent a lot of time considering if I should sit without him, which didn't seem right; but I didn't want to short change my respect to my mother and grandmother. 

As I thought about my options, I came to a decision that made me feel so happy and satisfied once I had made it a few days after their funerals.  My mother had the most amazing group of friends and I have always admired her friendships. I could not think of a better way to honor her than to be surrounded by my own girl friends in Chicago.

A few close friends helped make the arrangements.  I had wanted everyone to join me for dinner outside in my garden and have an intimate evening including the service.  Everyone brought vegetarian dishes and set up my home with food, wine and candles in my yard.

We had a beautiful service outside on my deck surrounded by the candles and my garden.  Our Rabbi gave me the opportunity to speak about both my mom and my grandmother. He asked me to reflect on how my mother would want to be honored and all I could think about was that this was the perfect way for me to honor her. Our Ritual Director is a woman and having her there with her beautiful voice completed the evening.   I was so touched to see how all my friends were equally moved as I was from this wonderful evening.

It was such a meaningful evening - to be surrounded by my girl friends, all daughters and/or mothers themselves - and it made the entire Shiva such a positive experience for me and I know will help me transition through life without the women that were so important to me.

Your Spirit or Soul - Where and When Does it Go?

On my drive back from Detroit to Chicago, I stopped at the beach.  I knew the beach would be empty and I needed the solitude to relax, think, let go emotionally,  and reflect on the losses I had endured that week.  I thought about my "theory" that my grandmother (who preceded my mother in death by three days) foresaw my mother's future health predicaments and decided that she wasn't going to let that happen and intervened on her behalf.

That thought led to my wondering what the Jewish thought was on how, where and when the soul returns to G-d.  More than anything, I wished that I could know if the two of them were really together; if they were still physically close somehow to those that had loved them, if they found each other and if they were comforting each other.  My grandmother did not have the opportunity to say goodbye to my mother that I know she had needed and my mother didn't even know of her mother's death before her own.  This was going to be a discussion point that I planned on having with my Rabbi later in the week.

All of a sudden, while I was deep in thought wondering if they were close by, two seagulls flew by just in front of  me from right to left over the water.  These two beautiful seagulls were alone in the sky and flying exactly parallel to each other not more than twenty feet in front of me.  It was such a beautiful and comforting vision that it literally took my breath away.  Before I knew it, they separated and each flew in opposite directions.  While I stared ahead toward the lake in disbelief and wonderment, one of the seagulls landed in the water directly in front of me.  It wasn't facing me, instead it was facing directly away from me, but landed exactly in front of me.  It rested for a moment or two and then flew off.  I was so moved by both the beauty and timing of the actions of these two birds and it reminded me instantly that I have always thought that I would love to be a bird in flight.  Their passage in my presence at that exact moment brought the cycle of life full circle for me and left me filled with love, appreciation and a sense of satisfaction despite my longing for the knowledge we will never know.  While, of course, my questions about departed souls can never be answered; this beautiful sight brought me the reassurance I needed to continue on to Chicago and to continue on with my life.

Body and Soul - Witnessing the Distinction First Hand

It has been a difficult few weeks.  Both my mother and grandmother passed away last week.  While I didn't necessarily intend to write about them here; I felt compelled to share the experience I had in witnessing my mother's passing on.  First, I must say, I never liked the expression "passing on" or even "passed" but instead used the expression "passed away."  However, after sharing someone's last breaths with them, I truly think "passed on" is the appropriate expression.

My brother and I were given a gift last week.  We were able to be with my mother for her final moments of life and able to hold her hands and to tell her we loved her as she drifted from a semiconscious  state of life to one without breath, brain or cardiac function.  I supposed I mean death; but the distinction between life and death was so blurred during those final moments that I sensed it was not as black and white as I had previously believed.

While waiting for the nurse to return, I kept watch over my mom, as I had for the previous three weeks during her hospitalization.  Slowly, and ever so gradually, the life began to fade from her face.  I have seen my share of deceased loved ones and even cadavers in medical school; but beholding life leave my mother, moment by moment, had a striking effect on me that I did not expect. 

As the moments progressed, the consequences of lack of circulation were evident and at first, that was what I had sensed; but as time went on I felt that there was more to what was occurring.  It seemed that something was released from her  and that she was being liberated from the body that had previously housed her.  Her essence was no longer within the physical structure that once represented who she was.  I truly felt that her soul was being released and that her body was simply that - a body - an empty shell. 

While I am incredibly sad about the losses I suffered these past two weeks, I seemed to have found strength in what I witnessed.   I did not have a need to spend more than a few very brief moments with them prior to their funerals.  At the time, I thought it was odd that I didn't seem to need to say goodbye to these women who meant so much to me; but I now realize that I must have sensed the distinction between their bodies and souls.