I had a difficult time putting my thoughts into words, because really, its not thoughts I was having, but emotions. Emotions I was unable to distinguish. Emotions that arose from nowhere. Emotions that I had a hard time identifying.
We had been in Jerusalem for four days. While I hadn't had a spiritual awakening or even a spiritual connection to all that I had seen as of yet, I was certainly having a visceral experience that I did not expect. While others may have experienced a variety of emotions when visiting the Kotel for the first time based on their upbringing, knowledge and study and respect for the Wall, I experienced pure emotion unattached to these attributes and background which I lacked.
I was teary eyed when I first visualized the Wall, cried when I approached and touched the Wall, sobbed quietly when I placed a not into the crack of the wall on Shabbat, and fought back tears when saying Kaddish for my mom during our Mincha service while facing the Wall. While my mother was not very religious, the timing of this visit made saying Kaddish for her in Israel an especially important part of this trip for me.
I had no idea how powerful visiting the Kotel would be. As I learned the history of The Temple, the Wall itself and especially how the 1967 War once again changed our access to the Wall, I was overcome with emotion. I am sure that part of my emotional response was tied to missing my mother; but I am also sure that it was much more than that.
While visiting Masada that day, standing on top of the mountain, overlooking the Roman camps and learning the story of the brave and difficult decision our people - our ancestors - were forced to make, I could not stop crying. I easily imagined our group as the community that lived on Masada for six plus years who finally had to make the ultimate sacrifice to maintain dignity and respect for their families and their faith.
I am still unsure how to label the emotions I felt; but certainly pride, respect and loss are all playing a role. Maybe even shame that I am just now learning about Israel and gaining both an understanding and love for the country - our county. I suspect, however, there is more to my emotions that I have yet to realize and I look forward to exploring my feelings in the years ahead as I continue my education of Israel.
